Turning 35

As I turn 35, I am thankful for so many things.

For my relationship with Jesus.
For my wife and a marriage of almost 12 years.
For my 4 children.
For my life and health being manageable.
For my church.
For grace.
For friends.
For family.
For ministry.
For hopes.
For dreams.
For comfort.
For the opportunity to go to University.
For a new career in the making.
For an understanding I do not deserve.
For working out.
For 35 years of life.

Learning about Faith

As you might imagine, 8 months of unemployment can effect a person's faith. Recently I have had three very successful interviews with a company I really want to work for. Not only is the company a solid company, the position is a great fit for me. It's also located in the same town I live in, so no 2 hour commute there and 2-3 hour commute back. I really want this job. After the phone screen I was invited to come in for the interview, which I did well on. Then silence. After about a week they called me in for a third and final round, to find the best out of three candidates. After that, which went well in my experience, silence again. Then our awesome Pastor at Cornerstone Fellowship, Steve Madsen, delivered a wonderful message that gave me hope. To sum it up here would not do it justice at all. Head over and take a listen, it's beyond worth the time it takes to listen. I took the content of the sermon and put it into practice. (Jul 17th, 2011 - Ruth 2:1-3 - Available as an Mp3, Podcast, or Video)

So a week of putting this into practice with no results sent me into a huge depression and a struggle for my faith. On the other side of it, I believe my faith is stronger and nothing changed in my circumstances. At first I was really mad at myself for the struggle, but then during my reading of a Romans commentary for a Romans class at William Jessup University, which took so much effort just to want to do the homework, I found some things that helped me understand the struggle in a new light.

I wanted to share several of those things in quote form that I believe really cemented a new way of thinking deep into my mind.

Faith is not an inoculation against the germs of life. Faith is a fierce struggle. The hardest thing in life is to believe God above all circumstances. -James R. Edwards (NIV commentary on Romans)

The God who raises from the dead cannot be tamed or controlled. He can be received only by faith, and by faith God transforms frozen impossibilities into springs of home and resurrection. -James R. Edwards (NIV commentary on Romans) - Speaking about Abraham who had a promise of being the father of many nations but who 1. was too old to bear children, and 2 was told to sacrifice his only son.

Faith in the God of the impossible, gives birth to hope, and hope in the words of Hebrews 6:19, is "an anchor for the soul". -James R. Edwards (NIV commentary on Romans)

Abraham's faith was not a safe faith: "If the the Bible says it, I believe it, and that settles it!" Rather, his faith was best with opposition. The passage of time sucked the winds of hope from his sail;s, and more than once he was driven to the brink of despair. -James R. Edwards (NIV commentary on Romans)

There is nothing more injurious to our faith than to fasten our minds to our eyes. -John Calvin as quoted by James R. Edwards (NIV commentary on Romans)

True faith is strengthening faith, which exists in tension with doubt and disbelief. -James R. Edwards (NIV commentary on Romans)

Jesus too knew the struggle of faith. Faith does not exist in a vacuum. We may worship God in a sanctuary, but we do not normally find our faith in one. Faith is more often born in a boxing ring of choices - of doubt, disbelief, impossibility and meaninglessness. To adhere to the promise of God in spite of everything to the contrary is to give glory to God. -James R. Edwards (NIV commentary on Romans)

So there you go. These words really helped me to gain perspective. God does have promises for every believer and He is faithful to fulfill them. Even when everything else says he will not.

busy busy busy

It's been so busy this week, and I am so happy to report that I am starting to lose some pounds! I owe it all to this article that helped me tweak my workout a lot so that I am actually doing some good for both my heart and my weight. A friend also suggested this link to get a better idea of where I am at. Though a bit depressing, I finally have a really good baseline and will be able to tell when I am losing fat and gaining muscle.

So this week we are on #13 in our Family Devotions book "Training Hearts Teaching Minds: Family Devotions Based on the Shorter Catechism" and the kids are asking some really good questions. I love teaching from this book, it makes things easy and the discussions just flow from the reading of the text.

In addition to working on my final for the Psych class I am also working on the www.schedmd.com website for my side business http://www.eckertdevelopment.com - but I am not loving it. My client is a programmer and he went in a tweaked my code so that it now uses Ajax and other such Javascript nonsense. I am not a happy camper, in the midst of working on a final and starting a Revelations class and a Romans class .... my brain is starting to rebel against me.

I had a really good interview this week for a company that is right here in the town I live, which of course means no commute to Silicon Valley or San Francisco. The interview must have gone well because right there on the phone they asked me to come in for a face-to-face interview this coming Monday. It would be awesome to score a job with this company.

I have this nagging feeling that won't rest until I catch www.te365.me back up. So I need to make some time and do that.

We had two BBQ's this week, well we did not have them, we went to them. Both were fantastic and it's pretty neat to be plugged into Cornerstone this way. Tonight is the Revelations class! We are both excited about it and have done like70% of the pre-class homework. Just the homework has already given me more info than I have ever had in 25 years on the book of Revelations. I cannot wait until class tonight.

Alright, the kids are jumping on the bed, I need to do cardio, and my wife is calling me from the doctors office where she took two very sick kids. Better go.

Happy 4th

Today has been a busy day. It started with getting up at 11:00, so ya I slept in. But I did go straight to work doing laundry, dishes, and cleaning. I even got a workout in! A really good workout ... a good solid burn! In a few minutes we leave for a 4th of July BBQ. A couple in our "married's" group is hosting about 35 of us. Should be fun, it's more social than we usually try to be with 4 kids but they are all finally old enough to take out to things like a BBQ without too much drama. So .... awesome!

This week is going to be so busy. I have a final for a Psych class, plus I have to read a bunch of Romans and do some homework before the class starts in 2 weeks and I start a Revelations class at Cornerstone this week. In addition to this we are going to the fair one day, having dinner with some friends, and a bunch of other stuff. It's going to be rough, and on top of all that I spend a good 2-3 hours every day looking for jobs, writing meaningful cover letters and tweaking my resume to fit each position. That equals about 10 submissions a day, which is very exhausting and after 6 months of doing this, my motivation is low and the fear of rejection is high.

Okay, gotta go. Happy 4th of July.

Stuck!!!

I am so frustrated right now. Ugh!

5 days in a row of intense cardiovascular workouts and no weight loss. 5 days on the stationary bike for 30-50 minutes of varied training. I ate less and healthier, but not change. None. ARGH!

According to my GoWear Fit arm band, the exercise is good and sleep is decent. So I am going to try a few things. I need to look at food and the workouts in more detail. The exercise is good for my heart so I am not going to stop but I would like to lose weight as well.

Looking at the food, I know I can do better and I also know a few things about myself. My parents are diabetic, so is my sister. So I am prone to diabetes. My stomach hurts when I have sugary foods or drink, especially any fruit juice or soda. I am going to try the impossible, I am going to eliminate sugar. I found this book that I ordered and will read called "Dr. Gotts no flour no sugar diet" I did a lot of research online for how to eliminate sugar and it's not going to be easy at all, and maintaining it as a lifestyle change is going to be even more difficult. But I am motivated to stay away from diabetes and I want to feel better.

Workouts need some tweaking too. It's time to include weight lifting. I also want to start jogging again. So lots to change and tweak this week.

Getting Better

My last post was a bit of a downer and I was tempted to delete it, but I think I will keep it around for authenticity. This post is about doing better and some specific things I did and I think anyone else can do to lessen or maybe even defeat depression.

Step I.

Excercise!
Sounds to basic to be true, but it works. 5 days in a row of 30-45 minutes on the stationary bike and some light weight lifting (light because it's not as easy to lift weights since my motorcycle accident) has really lifted my mood. In fact how I feel before a workout on a specific day and how I feel after the workout are night and day. By the 5th day the workouts seem to have had an accumulating effect. My mood was stable instead of down and the workout's now improve a stable mood instead of lifting me from a depression. You know about Endorphins right?. As a Psychology major, I love the science of the brain and what effects our moods. These endorphins interact with the receptors in your brain that reduce your perception of pain and create a positive feeling. It's also been nicknamed "Runner's High".

Step II.

Take a break from the Social Networks.

I know this sounds a little odd at first, maybe even extreme, but it worked for me. And here is why I think it worked for me. Just like Hollywood and the movie stars, the papers only print positive things, like their money, success and beauty. Now the papers would love to have the "dirt" aka, the stuff that makes the stars just like us, but it's hard to find even though we know that stars are just like us and actually because of success and money and lack of privacy are sometimes worse off. But that's not my point. My point is that we love to advertise our strengths, not our weaknesses, being real in public is taboo here in the USA. So if your on Twitter, Facebook, or the Social Network of your choosing, chances are this makes sense to you. The tweet, the status updates, they are usually biased to make us look good. If your not doing so good, seeing how everyone is doing wonderful, enjoying jobs, money, blessings, heck even able to maintain a positive attitude, you start to feel some negative emotions. The emotions might not creep up when your not in the middle of a trial or dark season in life, but they sure do when your in the midst of troubled times. Just removing myself from Twitter and Facebook has done wonders for me. Not just in time management (I was on Facebook more than I ever dared to believe) but I am able to keep things in perspective, something I was definitely struggling with before. See it's not that everyone is trying to make you feel bad, as if you or I were so important as to deserve that attention, but it's human nature and the American way. We put our best foot forward, which is of course backwards and does not work when you are a community. Openness and honesty will help anyone who is hurting or enjoying some great times in life. I am sure I could go on, but I won't.

That's it for the steps, at least for today. I hope this helps you as much as it helped me.

Depression Hurts

I hate this. I mean I really, really, really hate this depression. Just saying the word makes me cringe. I mean depression is a self absorbed, self focused, and completely selfish thing to do, right? I used to think so, but now I think differently. And I have tried and tried to come out of this, but I cannot do it. It's seems impossible to me. My energy, drive, motivation, all of it is just gone. Even writing this post takes an immense effort. Serving this morning in the Parking Ministry at Cornerstone in Livermore was so difficult. Putting on a smile and waving to people, directing traffic, setting out cones, when all I feel like doing is crying and sleeping. But that's what you are supposed to do right? When you focus on yourself and depression creeps in you worship God and serve Him and other. Right? It's not working for me. In fact I skipped serving in the zone last night while the rest of my family went. Thinking about putting on a good act was too much to even consider. It's hard to explain, but it really hurts. Almost like physical pain. Deep inside, it hurts. At church I just wished I could connect with someone, and for someone to tell me for sure that God still loves me and cares about me. But all I see is other people who have it all together, things are great and they are happy. Oh man, to feel happiness again, I long for that.

What I really long for is to see God move. I want to know that I, Shane, am significant and loved by God. Because if I had to put words to what I feel right now, it's that I am not. I seek, but I do not find, I ask but I do not receive, I feel lost, alone, and it hurts.

Runaway

My 7 year old is BiPolar and on medications. Sometimes things are good, other times it's a nightmare. God has taught us a lot through our children and the same is true of our 7 year old.

Tonight she was violent, angry, and LOUD. She scares us and the other kids, especially our 3 year old. (Just so you know, she is not only on medications but sees a child psychologist as well) At any rate when she calmed down tonight she started to pack, in order to run away. Our three year old who was scared of her earlier walked over and took her hand and said "You don't leave". My wife and I melted. Such love and tenderness in that little girl. Oh and how cute is this, our would be runaway packed her light saber. We told her the world is scary and there is danger, so she packed protection. Love it!

We were able to connect with our 7 year old and mend things. Still these nights take years off of my life and I long for the day we get things more stable for our child.

Rebelliousness

Samuel spoke to Saul in 1 Samuel and said this.

"For rebellion is as the sin of divination, And insubordination is as iniquity and idolatry. Because you have rejected the word of the LORD, He has also rejected you from being king." 1 Samuel 15:23

Did you catch that? NASB says "rebellion is as the sin of divination, And insubordination is as iniquity and idolatry". I am not a big fan of the living translation, but I think it comes across much better when put this way. "Rebellion is as sinful as witchcraft, and stubbornness as bad as worshiping idols."

When I see rebellion in my children, it really hurts my heart. I get a glimpse of what God feels when we are rebellious in our ways. Lately one of my children has been dealing with rebellion. The attituide, the actions, the noises, the stomping, all of it adds up to rebellion. She calls it anger, and I do not doubt it. Tonight we talked about that anger and how God commands us to be angry but sin not.

Eph. 4:26,27 BE ANGRY, AND yet DO NOT SIN; do not let the sun go down on your anger, and do not give the devil an opportunity.

Eph. 4:31 Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice.

To my nine year old, this seems impossible. She said, "Dad, I see you not get angry and I do not know how you do it." I told her that as an adult who has followed Christ from her age to now that there are three things that help me control my anger, which often leads to Rebelliousness.

1. The Holy Spirit lives inside of me and there is a very real feeling that I get from Him when the wrong type of anger is close. When I am wronged and I want to retaliate. Or something I cannot control goes wrong. The Holy Spirit directs me in how to respond, and this only comes from Him. Learning to listen to Him is an art form, but it's really easy and it works.

2. Knowing that there is good anger and bad anger and how to respond to each kind. Like being angry when someone steals from you. Choosing to tell someone like your teacher, or a police man instead of screaming and trying to hurt the thief. It's good to be upset when wronged, it's built into our very fabric to desire justice. The response is where we define our character and how we feel anger but sin not.

3. Scripture, scripture, and more scripture. It's a mixture of the Holy Spirit and memorized verses that deal with all issues of life that really make for a Godly person. The more we read and are transformed by the word and the more we memorize it, the better off we are at handling life in general. Discerning how to be angry but sin not comes in part from knowing the scriptures.

This all sounds so basic, and it is. But when you have a nine year old who wants to please God, but is in tears because her flesh continues to win and she does not understand why she fails to grow quickly, it helps to break it down into bite sized pieces. I tell my kids all the time that they are my kids, but only for awhile. God has given them to me to raise and train and one day when they are ready, they will leave. They are always welcome back into our home, but God will give them the desire to have their own life and then they will see clearly that mom and dad had them on loan for a few short years where every moment counted.

It also helps to remind them of this because when they are disobedient or disrespectful or otherwise towards mom and dad, they are really acting against the representatives that God has placed over them. In other words, God is my boss and I answer to Him. How you act towards me when you dislike the rules and the consequences that we enact which we believe are biblical, then guess who you are really being rebellious towards?

Food for thought.

Decisions

Today I am dedicating time to decision making, in particular there is one huge thing that I need to decide on, and it is not an easy one at all. Deciding one way means taking no action, the other way, immediate action. It's rare but I am 50/50 on this decision. I can both support it and shoot it down and depending on who I talk to, it's just about the same.

More importantly though, I am discovering something about myself that I do not love. Do I ask God first and then seek counsel, or do I flip that around. The answer is that I seek counsel first. I talk about it with other people, then I bring it before God. Of course it's more than obvious that this is the wrong way to go about it. First and foremost my life is to be directed by God and then lived in His power. Of course I must go to Him first. How silly it is to do otherwise. Not to say that God has not in His vast mercy, gone ahead and given me blessings and directions, even though I went about it wrongly. He is a good God, and He does good things. I do desire to follow Christ and obey Him fully.

So today my focus is bring my request before God first, then if needed I can seek Godly counsel.

Sharp Mind

Making the choices necessary to keep my mind sharp takes a lot more self control than I have been able to muster lately. There are so many forms of entertainment that offer such temptation. Television, Netflix, Video Games, Internet and browsing, Coding web applications and web sites. All these things are not bad in and of themselves, but taken without portion control and wise time management make for bad results. I can feel the effects of all the electronic entertainment when I try to pray, read the Bible, or just be still before God. I find myself wanting stimulation and I find the silence painful. I sit in the quiet and try to focus, but I cannot, at least not for very long.

This is obviously a huge issue. The relationship I need and desire with God is built and maintained in the quiet. It's going to take some resolve and hard work to get back to the place where I can be in the quiet and without electronics and still be productive. Even now I am thinking that a few episodes of my favorite show playing in the background as I find things to do around the house or on the computer will help this sleepless time pass quickly. But I have to fight that and do what I know will bring me healing, blessings, and most importantly, closeness to God. It's very difficult, but it really comes down to what I want more. Immediate satiation of my fleshly desires or the fruit of being disciplined.

3AM Viewing of Star Trek

Star Trek Voyager to be exact, and I am watching with my nine year old daughter. See, I don't sleep much at night. I hate that this is true, but it is. Maybe in the future I will get this ironed out. Tonight I get to drag my daughter into my late night. She cannot sleep either, but it's not common for her or anyone to be awake at these horrible hours. I am thankful for my Star Trek Voyager buddy tonight.

What if

the world does end this weekend. It's not even a remote possibility, at least not in a biblical sense. Harold Camping is wrong. In the wake of this weekend there will be a lot of hurt people in the body of Christ. People who not only lose earthly things, but their faith as well. This is a tragedy.

But what if? What if this is the last Tuesday night ever, the last Wednesday morning for all eternity? What if it were true? I believe Jesus said it best. Be ready.

Like a thief in the night He is coming. 1 Thessalonians 5:2 So be ready. Ready for Christ to come tonight, this weekend or in a thousand years. It's not ours to know when, just to be ready.

It's one of those days.

When my flesh takes more of a front seat position than the new person I am in Christ. When this happens I always feel guilt and frustration. As a long time Christian I do understand and believe the words of God spoken through Paul in Romans.

There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. Romans 8:1

I am not as concerned for my salvation, although I must always be running self checks and staying close enough to my brothers and sisters in Christ so that any divergence from "occasional sin" into "habitual sin" should be noticed and examined. I am concerned, however, for my relationship with my Lord. There is damage inflicted upon the fellowship that I have with God. The relationship I have now, here in my space-time continuum, is hurt by my actions and attitudes. My salvation is secure and God really does see me as I will be, not as I am, when it comes to justice and Holiness. But I am a creature of this world and as such, I am subject to it's laws and consequences.

"Oh father, Lord of heaven and earth. I have treated you as less than ultimate. I have put other things before you, things that satisfy my temporary flesh. To treat you as anything other than supreme is an offense punishable by eternal death. You are God, you are the only God and you are worth so much more than anything created. I am sorry Father for putting anything before you and choosing to feed my flesh rather than spend my time worshiping you with my actions and loving you with ALL my heart, my mind and my soul. I have chosen dark places hidden from the light, which is unbecoming a new creature who is made for the light. I know this and I want to truly repent and 'Go and sin no more' as you commanded the woman caught in sin. Go and sin no more, go and love and worship my savior, my redeemer, my closest and dearest friend. I am sorry and I can only ask now for true repentance so that I am no in the habit of breaking our fellowship. I love you Lord, please forgive me and renew our relationship."