Depression Hurts

I hate this. I mean I really, really, really hate this depression. Just saying the word makes me cringe. I mean depression is a self absorbed, self focused, and completely selfish thing to do, right? I used to think so, but now I think differently. And I have tried and tried to come out of this, but I cannot do it. It's seems impossible to me. My energy, drive, motivation, all of it is just gone. Even writing this post takes an immense effort. Serving this morning in the Parking Ministry at Cornerstone in Livermore was so difficult. Putting on a smile and waving to people, directing traffic, setting out cones, when all I feel like doing is crying and sleeping. But that's what you are supposed to do right? When you focus on yourself and depression creeps in you worship God and serve Him and other. Right? It's not working for me. In fact I skipped serving in the zone last night while the rest of my family went. Thinking about putting on a good act was too much to even consider. It's hard to explain, but it really hurts. Almost like physical pain. Deep inside, it hurts. At church I just wished I could connect with someone, and for someone to tell me for sure that God still loves me and cares about me. But all I see is other people who have it all together, things are great and they are happy. Oh man, to feel happiness again, I long for that.

What I really long for is to see God move. I want to know that I, Shane, am significant and loved by God. Because if I had to put words to what I feel right now, it's that I am not. I seek, but I do not find, I ask but I do not receive, I feel lost, alone, and it hurts.